The Loneliness of Being the Cycle Breaker

If you’re breaking toxic cycles in a family marked by emotional immaturity, narcissism, or borderline traits, there’s something we don’t talk about enough: the profound loneliness that can come with healing.

You’re not just setting boundaries—you’re stepping out of the role your family expected you to play. Maybe you were the peacekeeper, the fixer, the golden child, or the scapegoat. But once you stop playing by the unspoken rules, the system fights to pull you back in. 

What hurts the most is realizing your family often wants access to the old version of you—not the healthier, more boundaried version you’ve worked so hard to become. That rejection can feel like losing your family all over again.

This episode is for the cycle breakers—the ones doing the heavy lifting, often in silence, wondering if anyone else truly gets it. 

You’ll learn:

• Why healing often feels lonelier before it feels better
• How to reframe your isolation as a sign of growth
• Where to find real, mutual support outside of dysfunctional systems

Ready to connect with other cycle breakers? Join me in the Confident Boundaries Membership: confidentboundaries.com/membership

Grab my free guide, 5 Guilt-Proof Boundaries That Actually Work (Even With a Toxic Parent):
confidentboundaries.com/guilt-proof-boundaries

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Torie Wiksell is a therapist and coach who specializes in working with the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. Torie brings a unique perspective having spent years working with clients with personality disorders and growing up with a mother she suspects had NPD with BPD traits. Torie provides online therapy to clients located in WA, OR, and CA, and online coaching internationally.

Disclaimer: This podcast is not therapy. If you are in mental health crisis, please contact the Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988.

You're Not Crazy is a podcast owned and produced by Torie Wiksell and Confident Boundaries, LLC.

Chapters

• 0:14 Welcome to You're Not Crazy
• 0:59 The Loneliness of Cycle Breaking
• 4:16 Disrupting Family Dynamics
• 10:00 Finding Your Community
• 14:54 Closing Thoughts and Upcoming Announcement

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:14

Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. I'm your host, tori Wixel, a therapist and coach with over a decade of experience in the mental health field. Now let's jump in. Hi guys, welcome back for this episode of the You're Not Crazy podcast. I, as always, am thrilled to be back here with you today. I am going to jump right into the heart of our episode today, but I do want to say I have a really exciting announcement coming next week, so TBD, stay tuned, and we will chat about that next Tuesday.

Speaker 1: 0:57

Today's podcast episode. I want to talk about a topic that's been coming up a lot lately. I've been getting a lot of messages about this topic. It's come up in a lot of conversations recently and I think it's a great thing for us to talk about, because it's honestly not talked about enough, and that is how lonely it can be to be the cycle breaker in your family. We talk a lot about how hard it can be to be the cycle breaker in your family. We talk about how hard it is to have to seek out support and information and knowledge, and how cycle breakers have to learn new skills like regulating their own emotions and how to have healthy relationships when those weren't modeled for them and their family. We talk about how hard it is in so many ways, but what we don't talk a ton about is how lonely it feels when you're the cycle breaker in your family, and I know that it is really lonely. So I want to talk about that today because I want you to know if you're someone who is feeling like no one gets it, if you are feeling like you are the only person in the world with this struggle, I want you to know at your core that you are not, and my hope is that after today's episode, that will feel true for you, that you may feel lonely, but you are definitely not alone in this journey. So cycle breakers are the people in their families that don't ignore that gross, weird internal feeling that comes up when things feel bad, things feel wrong. When you were a kid growing up in your house, it probably felt stressful. It probably felt tense and stressful and confusing and all of the things that we've talked about as a cycle breaker.

Speaker 1: 3:10

As an adult who has this newfound or possibly not newfound awareness, but has this level of awareness that your family dynamics are not healthy, that your relationship with your toxic parent isn't healthy. Having that realization often means that you are the person in your family that is going against the grain. Typically, everyone else in your family is quote-unquote good with the status quo. They're not interested in rocking the boat. They are comfortable as one could be within a world of toxicity and dysfunction with the way things are. They're not interested in going to therapy and figuring things out. They're not even interested in contemplating the idea that there is a problem at all.

Speaker 1: 4:10

This is what a dysfunctional family unit looks like and feels like to be in. You feel like you're out on your own island, because that's the reality you really are. It's like you're in a cult. When you grow up in a toxic and dysfunctional family and everyone else is is singing the same songs. They're believing in the same guru, everyone else is on board and they're going along with this imaginary world that you're looking at and saying that doesn't exist. That imaginary world. This isn't real. If this was real, it wouldn't feel so bad. You're the one shouting this isn't right, let's make it better, let's do something about this. But for you to be the only person saying that or doing that is so isolating, because not only do you create conflict and distance between you and your toxic parent, but there is such a complicated ripple effect here because family dysfunction is really a family issue. It's not isolated to who we look at as our toxic parent. It really involves siblings, it involves your other parent or parents. It involves, or it can involve, your grandparents and cousins and family friends. It is very complicated. It can involve nieces and nephews. There are so many different relationships that are, and can be involved in this type of dynamic and when you decide to confront some of the dysfunction and the toxicity, you're going to piss people off. Some people are going to be really angry, right, and the reason for that is complicated. It's nuanced. The reason for that is because families dysfunctional families are very rigid. They're not flexible. They don't encourage autonomy amongst the different family members, amongst the different family members.

Speaker 1: 6:44

Dysfunctional families have a role for everyone in that family and they are very, very intent on keeping everyone in that role, and this isn't a thing like dysfunctional families. Sit around the table and talk about everyone's role. And around the table and talk about everyone's role and, oh, tori, you're the scapegoat. We've assigned that to you. Obviously, that's not what happens here. But what does happen is everyone in the family plays a role and that allows the dysfunction to continue.

Speaker 1: 7:14

When people are quiet and enable your toxic parent to behave in ways that are abusive and toxic, that is them playing the role that they play within your family. When you stand up as a scapegoat and you try to get people to see the reality and to want better and to do better and to confront the issues and repair things, and they look at you and they call you crazy and they tell you you're the problem, that's you playing the role that allows everyone to continue doing the same thing. So, as a cycle breaker, when you decide to take a step back whether that's by setting boundaries or going low contact or going no contact when you decide to take that step back, you are disrupting the balance in your family because no one else made that active decision to take a step back. Everyone else was content with how the family was operating and they are not going to be happy about you taking that step back, because what that does is it requires everyone to switch things around and to figure out how the family can operate now, and that's really disruptive and it's really complicated.

Speaker 1: 8:51

And when you're dealing with a dysfunctional family that's trying to readjust. It puts a lot of pressure on the people who are not wanting to change, and so that's when you experience things as a cycle breaker like animosity and hostility and flying monkeys people trying to bring you back into your role, and you're often blamed and shamed and guilt-tripped. There's so much pulling back into that role and for you, as a cycle breaker, to choose to hold that line, it can feel really lonely, it can feel so sad and it can feel so hard to accept a reality where you desperately want everyone in your family to go on this healing journey with you and they are trying to pull you back into the dysfunction and the chaos. That, in and of itself, is another layer to how isolating and lonely it can feel as a cycle breaker. It is this awareness that happens when you start creating distance from the dysfunction, from the dysfunction, and what often happens as a cycle breaker is we try so hard to pull people with us because we love them and we care about them and we want them to heal too, so that we can all be healthy together, and yet they aren't in that place, they're not ready for it or they don't want that. Whatever the reason is, they're not there.

Speaker 1: 10:44

This is such a pivotal point in your healing journey because it really becomes this place of what do I do? How do I live a healthy life and not feel so alone and find connection with people who understand me and they get what I've experienced and they are also on a healing journey? We have to, as cycle breakers, create our connection to other people who are also on a healthy journey, intentionally. It oftentimes doesn't just fall into our laps. We have to seek out support from a therapist who gets it, or really work to make connections and friendships with people who understand and are on a similar healing path.

Speaker 1: 11:44

It's hard, those things are really hard. And it's immensely harder knowing that your family wants you back, but they only want the unhealed version of you. They don't want this healed version and that sucks. That sucks a lot. That's a really tough one to sit with, and it's especially tough to sit with it when you're on your own. It is so hard to heal when you feel so incredibly alone. It is so incredibly healing and validating to connect with other people who are actually doing the work, and they're not doing the work because it's easy for them. They're doing the work because they care just as much as you do about being a healthy person and about not exposing additional people to the trauma that they've experienced throughout their lives. It's about connecting with people who really do get it and who are empathetic and encouraging and supportive People who are not going to try to pull you back into the dysfunction. It is such a mindfuck growing up in a family like this, and it is even more so when you are trying to navigate your healing journey.

Speaker 1: 13:25

What I want to say to you is that there are very good reasons why it feels so lonely for us as cycle breakers, and you, my friend, are not alone. You're not, and I know even if I am the only person that you have ever heard talk about a family situation that feels like yours. I am not the only one out there. There are so many amazing humans just like you who are showing up for themselves, who are determined to figure this out and who are working so hard to do that, and so I hope very much that, by listening to this podcast and listening to me talk about my own journey, you feel less alone, and I really hope that by being a part of our community here and on Instagram and in the Confident Boundaries membership. I really hope that you find connection with other people who are on a similar path and who are willing to put in the work and show up for themselves and who want the best for themselves and want the best for you. Those people are out there, I promise. You just sometimes have to look a little harder for them, because we're quite a niche bunch of humans.

Speaker 1: 15:10

With that said, I am going to wrap up today's episode. Just a reminder I have something super exciting in the works, so stay tuned. I will tell you all about it next week. Bye tuned, I will tell you all about it next week. Bye, thanks so much for joining me for another week of You're Not Crazy. If you like the podcast, please make sure to rate us five stars and leave a review. It helps so much. And make sure to check the show notes for discounts and updates of what's going on in my world. Okay, I'll see you next week.