You're Not Crazy: A Podcast for Cycle Breakers with Toxic Parents

"But They're Your Parent": Toxic Things People Say to Cycle Breakers

• Torie Wiksell • Episode 46

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Surviving (not thriving) Mother's Day weekend is what we're celebrating this week. Breaking cycles isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. Your commitment to healing, despite few healthy examples, is powerful. Be gentle with yourself; your journey of growth deserves compassion, not criticism.

Next we’re calling out the toxic phrases that gaslight, invalidate, and harm adult children of parents with BPD or NPD. You've probably heard, "But they're your parents, you should forgive them," or "When they die, you'll miss them." Unsurprisingly, I share how much I hate these comments and try to give you a chuckle along the way.

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Torie Wiksell is a therapist and coach who specializes in working with the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. Torie brings a unique perspective having spent years working with clients with personality disorders and growing up with a mother she suspects had NPD with BPD traits. Torie provides online therapy to clients located in WA, OR, and CA, and online coaching internationally.

Disclaimer: This podcast is not therapy. If you are in mental health crisis, please contact the Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988.

You're Not Crazy is a podcast owned and produced by Torie Wiksell and Confident Boundaries, LLC.

Torie Wiksell:

Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.

Torie Wiksell:

I'm your host, tori Wixel, a therapist and coach with over a decade of experience in the mental health field. Now let's jump in. Happy Tuesday. Welcome back to the podcast. I am so thrilled that you are joining me for another week of You're Not Crazy. I want to start off by apologizing. If you can hear a screaming toddler in the background, that would be my daughter. She is having some big feelings and while it might sound terrifying in the background, she is actually quite happy and playing. So if you could hear it, that is a situation that is very much under control. However, I am trying to get this podcast out on time on Tuesday. Therefore, we are recording anyways.

Torie Wiksell:

For all of the momlisters out there, I want to wish you a happy Mother's Day. For everyone listening who has a complicated relationship with your own mom, I want to say that I hope you survived this weekend and that is enough. There is not a pressure to have thrived this weekend. I don't know that any of us thrive during Mother's Day weekend when we have a complicated mom relationship, but I think the best we can do is lower our expectations of ourselves when there are, like holidays and events that are just especially triggering or upsetting or challenging to be around. So, however you got through this weekend, today is a fresh day, this is a new week, it is behind us us. We can take a deep breath and move forward in a direction that is more helpful and feels a lot better to us. So I am glad that you are here and you are with me today.

Torie Wiksell:

And let's jump into things. First, I am thrilled to let you know that I finished updating the boundaries workshop called setting boundaries with a parent you suspect has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. It is now available for you to watch it and I do think that it is the best version of this workshop that I have done. So I'm really, really excited for you to check it out. You can sign up over at confidentboundariescom slash workshop and you can get going on it today. It is there, it is ready, it is waiting for you, so definitely go check that out.

Torie Wiksell:

Also, quick reminder the Confident Boundaries membership. Remember that is the new name for what used to be referred to as the Confident Boundaries online community, the Confident Boundaries membership. The prices go up there in a week from today, and so if you are listening on Tuesday, the day this podcast comes out, in one week, the price goes up. It will go from $69 a month right now to $85 a month, or, if you're on the quarterly subscription every three months, it's going to go from $189 every three months to $225 every three months. The reason for that is that we are doing a lot more in there than we were originally doing. We have two group coaching calls every week. We have an app that is being built for our community. We have a lot going on in there, and so, in order for me to give my time and attention and energy and to cover the costs of running the entire membership, we have to increase the prices a little bit. If you sign up in the next week, you can still lock in that $69 a month or the $189 a quarter for the lifetime of your membership. So everyone who's in there right now, their prices are not going up. It will only be for new members.

Torie Wiksell:

So, if you have been on the fence, now is the time. I'm going to put the discount links in the show notes for this episode and I'm going to take them out when the week is over and when they're no longer valid. So, if you are interested, the only place you're going to find the link is in the show notes for this episode. If you can't find that, dm me on Instagram, tori at AT. Tori at Confident Boundaries, or email me, tori T-O-R-I-E at ConfidentBoundariescom and I will send you the link. I'm not trying to hide it or anything, but I went through, as I was talking about before, this major rebranding that two of my very good friends helped me with and that was a whirlwind, and a part of that is updating the website, and to update the website, I had to go in with the updated version of pricing and everything for my own sanity. So the only place you're going to find that discounted link is in the show notes here or if you reach out to me. So if you are thinking about it, if you are on the fence, reach out to me, I will give it to you and you can lock in that lower price.

Torie Wiksell:

Okay, today, coming off of Mother's Day weekend, I want to talk about toxic things that people often say to people like us, cycle breakers who have really complicated, dysfunctional relationships with our parents and our families, and I wanted to do this episode because A I want you to know that these things are super toxic. These aren't just like little things and these are really common things that a lot of us hear that actually do a lot of damage, and so I want to validate for you. If it feels bad to be on the receiving end of these comments, then that makes a ton of sense, because they're not very supportive things to say and some of them are very toxic positivity type things. Some of them are just completely misunderstanding or lacking awareness of dysfunctional dynamics and family dynamics. They're all over the place. So let's go through a few of these and I'm going to share my thoughts on them. My favorite one is but they're your parents. You should forgive them. They're your mom, they're your dad.

Torie Wiksell:

One that people love to say is when they die, you're going to miss them. It's just a crazy thing to say to someone. It really is. It's such a bizarre thing to say to someone One. That's not true necessarily. Obviously. You guys have heard me talk about my personal story. I'm sure that there's a book out there that was recently released in the past few years by Jeanette McCurdy called I'm Glad my Mom Died. It's just not true necessarily.

Torie Wiksell:

B people understand that this person is their parent. That is not lost on them. You understand. This is your parent. I understand it's my parent. We also understand that people live and they die and all of these things. This isn't some light bulb idea. It is just so messed up to say to someone because it is so guilt trippy, right, it is so guilt trippy and so toxic, yet people really love to throw that one around the next one.

Torie Wiksell:

Everyone has issues. You can't let this ruin your day. You can't let this little thing make you miserable or control your life. This is one that is a favorite with enabling parents. So if you have an enabling parent I'm sure you have heard something along these lines you just have to let it go, let it roll off your back. You just can't take it seriously All of these things. Another one super toxic. They've had a hard life. They've done the best they could. Chances are your parent has had a hard life. Trauma is what is the childhood. Trauma is the cause of personality disorder, development, and I don't remember if it. I think it was a bonus episode that I went into my thoughts on all of that. So if you're interested, you could check out that bonus episode.

Torie Wiksell:

But it doesn't matter if someone is quote unquote doing the best they can. What matters is, as a parent, you have a responsibility to not be abusive to your child and if you don't know how to do that, it is your responsibility to seek out support and information to learn. I had a hard childhood. It would not be excusable for me to abuse my daughter because of that or mistreat her or make her feel less than. That's not acceptable. And when I have a decision or a behavior as a parent that is not in the best interest of my child, that I'm ashamed over, that I feel guilty about, it is not enough to say that I love my child and move forward. I have to understand and figure out why I acted in that way, why I behaved in that way, and then I have to go seek information so that I don't continue a toxic pattern and in a developmentally appropriate way. I need to apologize and acknowledge that wasn't the right thing to do and that I'm sorry and that it does matter that I am taking responsibility and figuring it out. All of these are so important. It's not okay to just say someone has done the best that they could and absolve them of all of their toxic behaviors.

Torie Wiksell:

Maybe you're just being too sensitive. That's the next one we're going to talk about Maybe you're just dramatic, you're so dramatic, or You're so dramatic or you're so sensitive. People love saying that one after they poke the bear, right, they poke at you, they poke at you, they poke at you, and then eventually you lose it. And then they point and say see, you're just so sensitive and it's this thing where, no, it's a slow burn, I don't react, I don't react, I don't react, and then eventually I do. That is the toxicity there. Right, the onus of the responsibility gets put on the person who's being victimized, instead of responsibility being put on the person who's being victimized, instead of responsibility being put on the person who is doing the poking. You should be grateful.

Torie Wiksell:

Not everyone has parents. Well, that is true that not everyone has parents that are involved in their lives for a variety of reasons. That doesn't make your parent's situation any better or worse than it is. That's irrelevant. It's like when people say to get a kid to eat well, there's starving kids in China. Okay, not super relevant to the peas on my plate right now, but thank you. Okay, another favorite of mine, and I hope you can sense the sarcasm in my voice for all of these, trying to just keep it a little more lighthearted today. I know Mother's Day weekend is quite a heavy one, so we're just going to keep it a little lighter today.

Torie Wiksell:

Next one that people love to say they love you. They just don't know how to show it. What the fuck does that mean? Are you kidding me? That's a crazy thing to say to someone they love you but they just don't know how to show it. That feels like quite a stretch, all right. Next, I'm sure they didn't mean it that way, are you? Are you sure that they didn't mean it that way? Because that feels like quite the assumption.

Torie Wiksell:

So what I want to say about all of these really toxic things is that there are so many reasons why it is so hard to be the cycle breaker in your family. One you're constantly gaslit. You're told that you're wrong, that you're crazy. There's a normalization of really dysfunctional and abusive and toxic dynamics. You are constantly being told that you're the problem and you should be responsible for fixing this problem, which you're also told at the same time that the problem you've identified isn't really the problem. You're the problem. It's not the dynamic, it's not the family, it's not your parent, it's you. It is so hard to be a cycle breaker because you have to overcome so many hurdles just to understand what is happening within your family.

Torie Wiksell:

I was recently talking with I think it was during one of our recent group coaching sessions. This topic came up of how abusive dynamics are so similar whether you have a dysfunctional family dynamic or whether you're in a cult. Like honestly, being a cycle breaker in so many ways is like trying to leave a cult. You're constantly told that things are different than they are. You're really encouraged to keep secrets from people outside of your family, to show other people outside of your family that your family is a certain way, that they aren't really on the inside. And if you dare to branch out and put some distance and do things differently, then you really get shamed and blamed and isolated. You really get targeted. You really are the black sheep of that situation. It is so challenging because there's so much psychological abuse that happens that makes you really doubt yourself and your decision making and your perception of the way things were for you. And so today, while I tried to put a fun spin on it, as I often do, talking about things that are just really not fun whatsoever but hopefully you got a little chuckle out of this hearing me go through the list, but I also want you to recognize that you to recognize that you are doing so much work.

Torie Wiksell:

You might not love how you feel right now, coming out of Mother's Day weekend. You might not be super proud of how you handled yourself this Mother's Day weekend for a variety of reasons. You might feel good about it, but oftentimes we are so hard on ourselves. We're so hard on ourselves when we are trying to be emotionally healthy people because we're not perfect at it and perfection isn't real and we really need to focus on how much we are trying and how much we are holding ourselves accountable and responsible for being healthy people. We are different than our parents because we are so willing to put in the work and the time and the energy and the effort in order to bridge the gap of learning things that we need to know in order to be healthy adults with healthy relationships. And you're not going to do it perfectly I don't do it perfectly but beating ourselves up about our imperfections is only going to make it feel a bajillion times harder to do all of that work to make a change.

Torie Wiksell:

So I just want to emphasize to you that these are things that are so common to experience when you're the cycle breaker in your family.

Torie Wiksell:

These are things that you are absolutely not the only person struggling with, and these are things that would make anyone feel crazy, and so the least any of us can do is just be nice to ourselves, just be kind to ourselves. When we're not perfect, we're literally learning how to live life in a way that is totally different than how we were raised to live our lives. That's wild when you think about it. I'm proud of you. I'm also proud of me, and saying that honestly has taken a lot of work to get here, but I am. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of everyone here listening and trying to bridge that gap from being raised in this very dysfunctional situation to creating a healthy life for themselves, and so you're awesome. I am so grateful for you and your feedback and to hear your stories and for you to allow me to be a small part in your healing journey. I am so grateful for all of that. Have a great rest of your week and I will see you guys next Tuesday. Bye.

Torie Wiksell:

Thanks so much for joining me for another episode of You're Not Crazy. If you like the podcast, please leave a review and rate us five stars. It helps so much and make sure to check the show notes for links to bonus podcast episodes and other ways I can help. See you soon.

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